Scenes Stories That Prove Hollywood’s Crazy AF
Like learning the truth about Santa Claus, or where babies come from (pelican sweatshops, duh), finding out what went on behind the scenes of famous movies can sometimes be gruesome. For instance, it turns out there weren’t any giant monsters on the set of Pacific Rim, and Tom Cruise died a total of zero times during the making of Edge Of Tomorrow.
But then, every once in a while, you run across a “making of” document that actually surpasses their subject matter in hilarity, if nothing else.
You might think that the Star Wars prequels didn’t have anything to offer the world other than a tidal wave of nerd rage and enough crappy plastic merchandise to choke the sarlacc. Well, you’d be wrong. An amazing movie did come out of prequels: the behind the scenes documentary about the making of The Phantom Menace called The Beginning (because George Lucas Ejaculates All Over His Own Legacy wouldn’t look great on a DVD cover).
In an odd parallel to the plot of this movie, Lucas insists that Lloyd be in the film (see: Anakin becoming a Jedi), against the advice of his staff (see: the Jedi Council), leading to the near destruction of the galaxy (see: the near destruction of the galaxy). Keeping the tone light, we also get Ewan McGregor making the ol’ lightsaber as dick joke:”Mine also burns if you touch it.”
Even the guy making the documentary seemed to know this thing was a giant turd waiting to happen, cramming the movie full of ominous foreshadowing:In retrospect, this probably should have raised some concerns.
The Making Of Batman Robin Is Full Of Greed, Codpiece Rivalries
Generally speaking, most DVD special features aren’t filled with the palpable regret of a deathbed confession. Here’s one notable exception.
The doc Shadows Of The Bat gives us the inside scoop from those involved in the cinematic guano that was Batman Robin. It all began with a sense of optimism, because the “sky was the limit” after the success of Batman Forever. They could do anything! So,
of course, the studio decided the project’s ultimate goal should be selling toys. They stopped just short of casting Mr. Potato Head as Mr. Freeze and re writing Robin as a wiseacre Etch A Sketch possessed by a soul of the damned.
Above: Commissioner Gordon, after teleporting into the real world and being made an executive producer.
Of course, this being the story of Batman Robin, a lengthy portion of the doc is devoted to nipples and dicks. First, there’s the whole controversy of the nipples on the batsuits, which took Schumacher entirely by surprise. He even talks about how he thought he had to include them on Batgirl’s costume, lest he seem “sexist.” In the end, he went in a “subtler” direction which may be the only time a black rubber bustier is referred to as subtle.
In the original script, she defeats Mr. Freeze by lactating on him.
Then there was the issue of the codpieces. A lot of movie sets devolve into metaphorical dick measuring contests, but here things got disquietingly literal. Apparently, there was a whole thing about Chris O’Donnell’s “piece” looking bigger than Val Kilmer’s in Batman Forever .
This could have been avoided if they’d just given both floppy rubber dicks.Which started a rumor that he bribed the costumer. In an on set interview with George Clooney, he recounts the rumor after mentioning that he “asked for a bigger package” but concedes that he got “a nice ass.” Take that, Gotham’s seedy underworld!
The technical term is “batt.”
Smith eventually offers to rewrite his scenes on the set. They tell him to go for it, with one caveat: He can’t say “fuck.” In a Die Hard movie.
The full title is Live Free (But Don’t Say “Fuck”) Or Die Hard.
Willis then has to get on the phone with the studio executives and defend the rewrites, which they aren’t thrilled about, eventually playing the trump card of “Let me ask you a question: Who’s your second choice to play John McClane?” Which might explain why the same director is now trying to find a second choice to play John McClane.
The making of Predator video opens with Jesse Ventura talking about how making the movie Predator is like fighting in Vietnam, only this time he can “enjoy” it, because he doesn’t have to worry about not dying.